Occulomency

48k Match of the Day - FA Cup Match - Round 3 - Southend United FC - Replay

Oh the humanity.

 

After last week's thrilling draw, we have the opportunity for an even more thrilling replay.

Couple of changes from last time out, Peter Parker is in for Doctor Watson and Robert Morley is in for the Dorset resort of C Regis.

Peter Parker, best goalie ever! Yesterday.

Robert Morley, happy to be back in midfield, yesterday.

So, how do we look?

We're doomed.

Doomed.

0-1 Doomed.

0 -2 Doomed I tell you.

0-3 Dooooooomed.

Oh crud.

Well, what can we say about that?

Yep. That sums it up.

Well, that's good at any rate. A lot more cash is always welcome.

Ah, Moses wouldn't be much use would he? No seas to cross on foot here.

Well, lets move on from this disaster and look forward to the next match.

Doomed.

48k Match of the Day - FA Cup Match - Round 3 - Southend United FC

Where are we off to today children?

Oh dear. Not there.

Southend United FC or 'The Shrimpers", so called because non of the players are allow by law to be more than 3' 8" in height, are a football club that would be best suited to playing in Narnia.

They've even got a bloody prawn on their badge. Who supports a club with that on their badge, eh?

Still, the way 48k Forest have been playing of late, I think we may be in trouble.

Oh yeah, we're in trouble.

Lets see what we can do. Well lets get Neil from the Young Ones back in for a start and drop Aston Martin.

Well, Aston looks OK but his badly photoshopped lady friend seems to have lost her trousers somewhere along the way and is trying to cover up her pants. I think we may have to say goodbye to Aston quite soon.

On the plus side. Neil's stoked!

It's all I can do. Let's get it over with shall we?

1 - 0 Woohoo! Well done lads, just don't let them score.

1 - 1 I said Don't let them score. Oh never mind.

What? That's it?

Jesus..... that means.....

In the words of Anakin Skywalker:

 

48k Match of the Day - League Match 5 - Darlington FC

The nostalgia continues with a visit to the 48k City Ground from 'The Quakers', Darlington FC.

Not unlike 'The Shakers' (Bury FC), Darlington were known as 'The Quakers' due to their fondness for porridge.

A person from Darlington, yesterday.

Sadly, Darlington FC are no longer with us, having fallen foul of the great beakfast purge of 2012, during which any football team which did not have a mascot licenced by Kellogs was automatically kicked out of the football league.

It happened. Look it up. Why else do you think Arsenal's new logo features Snap, Crackle & Pop?

So, 4 -0 win last time out, what can we do today?

Neil from the Young Ones is injured, George Bernard Shaw makes his debut, Keegan is out and the Dorset resort of C Regis is playing in place of Robert Morley.

C Regis, Yesterday.

Robert Morely - Unphased, yesterday.

I think we're looking pretty good. The squad is coming together nicely and I think we are going to be OK.

I mean, with numbers like that and with the home advantage - how could we lose?

Let's find out.

0 - 1 Oh, that's unfortunate. It appears Neil from the Young Ones may have played an integral part in our recent successes.

0 - 2 A very integral part, yes. Still there's plenty of minutes left for us to mount a spirited comeback.

0 - 3 You useless bastards.

Now I remember how you can lose a match in spite of being overwhelming favourites. You can select to play as Forest. That's how.

At least Hereford and Torquay lost and Halifax drew, so it's limited the damage a bit. But we will slip down the table nontheless.

Could be worse. Just.

Ouch. Expensive week with nothing to show for it.

I'm sure there'll be a silver lining on the transfer market though.

No. I don't want Heather Mills on my team.

I'm close to inconsolable.

I feel like someone has left my ice-cream out of the freezer for 40 seconds.

Next time, we have an FA Cup tie with the big boys from Division 3.

Laterz.

 

48k Match of the Day - League Match 4 - Crewe Alexandra FC

Oooooo... Get you and your fancy football team suffixes.

Their nick-name?

Yes, that's right - The Railwaymen, due to the Crewe fanbase being inexplicably fond of Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends TV series as narrated by Ringo Starr, not the Wilbert Awdry books.

Anyway, the club was formed by Princess Alexandria of Denmark when she fancied a kick about in 1852. From that day forward, all the goal keepers of Crewe Alexandria have to dress and act like a Princess.

A goalkeeper, yesterday.

So, how are we looking after our disposal of The Bulls last time out?

Good morale, lousy energy, terrible attack.

What can we do to solve this?

Gareth Gates & Brian Rix are in, Neal (from the Young Ones) is out.

Neil upon hearing the news he wasn't picked for the final eleven, yesterday.

So - how do we look.

I think we stand a chance. Shame our attack is so weak, but we do what we can.

The tension is almost unbearable.

1-0 First blood to Forest with a lightning break down the left wing. Tony Woodcock would have been proud.

2-0 Forest extend their lead with a lightning break down the right wing. John Robertson would have been proud.

3-0 Forest score with marksman like accuracy from outside of the box. Jason Lee would have been proud.

4-0 Forest wrap it up in style with a canon-like blast from the plucky mid-fielder. Richard Whitely would have been proud.

You have to say that the tradition of dressing their keeper up like a Princess may have backfired somewhat as it seems to have prevent the player from actually defending the goal mouth with any efficacy.

Great news! Four nil to the Tricky Trees (who on Earth thought of such a shite nickname).

So what did everyone else do? We want Stockport, Hereford, Colchester, Torquay and Halifax to lose.

Well, Stockport did us a favour anyway.

Fifth is acceptable at this stage of the season with eleven matches still to play. We are in with a shot of promotion if this carries on.

How are the old finances?

Mmm, quite a loss after buying Gareth Gates.

Lets see who's for sale.

George Bernard Shaw?

I'll give you £20Gs

I think we are really getting somewhere with our squad now.

Next time, it's another league tie against 14th place languishers Darlington.

Laterz.

 

48k Match of the Day - FA Cup Match - Round 2 - Hereford United FC

Today we have a fourth division clash between us and the current league leaders, Hereford United.

I'll give you three guesses as to what inventive nick-name Hereford United have.

Do you need a clue?

Yes, that's right.

They like to be called 'The Bulls".

I see what they did there.

Mind you, Forest have their own awful nick-name.

"The Tricky Trees"

FFS......

Well, lets crack on and get this done before my mug of tea gets cold.

How do we look after yesterday's shock defeat by Colchester?

OK, so some work to do here then, but only one option due to our small squad (meaning I don't have many players to choose from, not that they are all little people).

Watson is in for the injured Brian Rix.

Watson out.

Brian Rix - feeling as sick as that parrot, Brian.

Great hopes hold out I do not.

Highlights? I think with this statement you are teasing us Mr Ambassador.

1 - 0 Keegan's Strike from at least 25 pixels outside of the box puts Forest a deserved but somewhat unexpected goal ahead.

2 - 0 Another long range shot goes straight through the Bull's defences and crosses the line much like Frankie Boyle did with that joke about vets and beastiality.

We won. We actually bloody won!

Damn straight we are bucko!

And we made some money!

Now all we need is a half decent player to hit the transfer market.

Mmm. Gareth Gates, didn't know he palyed football.

Lets offer them the asking price for starters.

Seriously - chuck in a tree and a guy in a red suit and we've got Christmas here in Occulomency Towers!

Gareth Gates has joined Forest. We have a striker at last.

What a result, what a turn, what an amazing game.

Next time we have a league match:

 

Laterz peepz.

 

 

48k Match of the Day - League Match 3 - Colchester

I worked in Colchester for a while, did some work for Essex County Council. It was like watching BBC3 and somehow being sucked into their world.

Colchester United, currently in second place of the fourth division in this amazing simulation of real football management.

So, we are sitting pretty in third, not far off the top spot on goal difference. A win today would see us move up to at least second. 

Can we beat the might that is Colchester United?

Yes, we probably can. But there is still room for tweaking the team. Optmising our chances in this battle for 8-bit glory.

Richard Osman (off of Pointless) and Paul Foster (Off of UFO) get picked for todays stouch.

(Foster - Yesterday)

So, todays team comprises of:

So, what are our chances now that I've weaved my magic?

Pretty good, I'm thinking.

Great defense, reasonable midfield, lacklustre attack - much like the real team a couple of years back.

Squee!

 

0 - 1 - No! Outrageous error by SHunt! I bet it is that bloody kid who was in my class at Jesse Gray Infant School. 

Bugger.

I didn't even get a bloody shot at goal!

Oh crap.

What else happened?

Hereford won, they'll stay top. 

6th - Couldn't be much worse, could it?

Bugger.

Is anyone decent for sale then?

No.

He's shit.

So, on to the next match then.

Oh spiffing.

 

48K Match of the Day - League Match 2 - Bury

What was it Sting said?

"Mr. Krushchev said we will Bury you"

Well I don't subscribe to his point of view, that would be quite an ignorant thing to as Bury FC has little to do with cold war politics of the 1980s.

Nicknamed 'The Shakers", owing to the rather high incidence of people in the local area suffering from delirium tremors, Bury FC was formed in 1885 by Aiden Arrowsmith following a meeting at the White Horse Hotel, between the Bury Meth-Heads and Bury kitten molesters Football Clubs.

I digress.

How are my team looking after yesterday's amazing FA Cup victory for this away fixture at Bury FC?

Oh dear, good morale but our energy and attack are lacklustre. Lets see what we can do about that.

Well, picking SHunt and swapping Aston Martin for Samsung could do the trick.

Let's see.

Way hay! Lookin' good Mr Kotter.... *^{refers to a 70's American television sitcom starring Gabe Kaplan and featuring a young John Travolta.}

Here we go 2, 3, 4 .... *^{refers to Jilted John, a character who had a hit single in 1978 that was named after his own alter ego. The single was performed in the aggressive, minimalist style of the then-prevailing punk genre, but with poppier influences.}

 

I like this program, it's so optimistic.

1 - 0 Oh my. That was pure quality. Distilled genius on the part of the guy in white just above that guy in white. You know the one to the left of the guy in white.

2 - 0 I wish you could have seen that live. Sky sports 1 HD ain't got nothing on what has just taken place right in front of my own two eyes.

Amazing.

He came from nowhere to fire a decisive blue pixel straight past the keeper and into the jaws of eternity.

The whistle blows, the crowd goes wild.

What a brilliant victory.

After the opening round of the season, we were third behind Hereford and Colchester, so how did they do?

 

They both won. I guess we stay third on goal difference.

Yep, third. Pretty happy with that to be honest. It's as good a start as we could realistically wish for.

Lost some cash though, maily due to the purchase of SHunt.

Who's on the market?

Ah, the defender Foster. Inventor of weak lager.

I'll chuck you some fat stacks for him. Thirty fives G's large.

So I guess we now have too many defenders.

Bye bye Samsung.

Next up we have  an exciting top of the table grudge match.

Laters.

 

 

48k Match of the Day - FA Cup Round 1 - Replay

Ah, Stockport County, wearers of hats, scourge of Prometheus, eradicators of dead wood....

Today we get a replay after yesterday's thrilling end-to-end dead-locked ... er... thriller.

I know you can't wait. Well, neither can I.

Only one change from the last match. Richard Osman off of Pointless is back in the team. Sadly, that means Aston Martin is parked up (see what I did there?) for this match.

Well, could be worse I guess. I'd like to see them get past Richard Osman off of Pointless.

Come on you Reds (they are the ones in white).

1 - 0! I tell you, this team could go all the way. A powerful cross from Kirsty McCall through to the Dorset coastal resort, C Regis (I'm going to keep doing that until one of you laughs), reaches the back of the net like a hammer going through a wedding cake.

2 - 0 Brilliant goal from Robert Morley - he ran the full length of the screen (256 pixels) to blast the blue pixel past the hapless Stockport Goalie. An early contender for goal of the season.

We win! Plus we got £5,500! That's nearly enough to pay Wayne Rooney for a day.

Nearly.

Damn straight we are.

So, how are the finances?

 

Ooo, pretty good. We increased our value by nigh on 10%.

So lets go shopping.

A mid-fielder. Excellent. Plus I think I went to school with him.

I'll give you £25,000 - I really need another mid-fielder.

Woohoo!

That's made the team a lot more viable, in my expert opinion.

So, where next.

Bury, away.

Excellent.

 

48k Match of the Day - FA Cup Round 1

Oh the tension, the excitement, the sheer exilleration of watching the white heat of top-notch footballing action unfold in all of it's 8 bit glory.

Yes, it's time for Round 1 of the FA Cup.

The jewel in the crown of English football.

Tonight we play Stockport, know as 'The Hatters' because over many succesive generations, the people of Stockport like to wear hats.

Nothing wrong with that. So do I in fact. I own four or five.

How's my team looking?

Oh dear, looks like my squad (I'm such a pro!) has picked up an injury.

Better check.

Bugger. Richad Osman off of Pointless is out. Must have trapped his hand in that lap top he uses. Samsom gets a chance to show off his mad footballing skilz (with a Z - like 'da kidz' say it. Innit?)

I'm not sure I can win this.

Anyway, lets kick off.

1 - 0! Can you hear the Stockport sing?

1 - 1 - Brilliant equaliser by the pixelated little player there - Terrible defensive error by Forest which would never have happened if that bloke off of Pointless had been playing.

2 - 1 - We're ahead again! Great goal by the Dorest sea-side resort town of C - Regis there.

2 - 2 - Last minute equaliser from Stockport. 

We was robbed.

Sick as a parrot, Jimmy.

 

So, as it's a cup match, we get a replay!

That'll be tomorrow then.

48K Match of the Day

In an attempt to prove that I could do a better job of managing Forest than Stuart Pearce, I decided to use the most advanced football manager simulator I could get my  hands on.

So, let's kick off then.

Who do I have in my squad? (note the use of a technical term - I'm an expert)

Hmmm, not sure who these players are, but lets guess anyway:

1. P. Parkes - I think he was Spiderman.

2. D Watson - Sherlock Holmes' flatmate.

3. P Neal - No clue.

4. A Martin - Aston Martin? Must be who the car is named after.

5. K Sansom - Think he was married to Delilah.

7. R Osman - That tall bloke off Pointless.

11. G Rix - Think he used to appear in plays with no trousers on.

15. B Talbot - Nope, no idea.

16 S McCall - Did a song called 'Convoy' in the 1970s.

17 C Regis - Seaside resort in Dorset.

19 T Morley - Fat bloke, wrote for the Spectator.

23 K Keegan - A prick.

Right. So that's that sorted.

Let's play our first game!

Blackpool. But how good are they?

Oh, that good. Right - well lets do some squad changes and see what difference it makes.

The defence is nice and strong and I only have one unselected player, Talbot in Midfield, so I'll select him and drop Sansom. He's not performed well since that haircut anyway.

So this is my starting 11:

And this is how we stack up against Blackpool's mighty warriors!

OK - lets type 99 and watch the action unfold in glorious 8bit.

And amazing run down the wing by an unidentifyable white stick figure resulting in Nott'm Forest being 1 -0 up!

But wait, there's more.

2 - 0! COME ON YOU REDS! Amazing display of talent by one of my players. That square football went into the strangely malformed goal mouth and put us another goal ahead.

Oh the excitement.

No, genuinely, this is quite exciting.

Honest.

The whistle has blown (buzzed).

I'm just happy for the fans really.

So now we get to see what the other teams got up to.

Hereford did well, as did Colchester - but our +2 goal difference should do us proud today.

Third! Look at that! Get in.

Celebrations are in order tonight. Professor! Uncork the Champagne! Send Zenith and Quasar to bed! I am a WINNER!

So, how much money do I have?

 

Woohoo! I'm feckin' rich!

So who can I buy?

 

Oh God, it's that bloody Robson Jerome bloke. Squeaky voice and a face like a Doner Kebab.

I'll give you £2,500 for him (I have no leeway in case of injury at the moment, I need to build up the squad).

NO F**KING WAY!

OK, £3Gs, that's your limit, bitch.

Walking away.

I can't hardly wait for the next match.